What do I even say?

For days now I've been avoiding everything that happened in Orlando. I have turned off the TV, refused to watch the countless videos on Facebook and will not read the articles. I don't want to because it makes it real.

When I was 15 Hurricane Katrina hit. There were 18 people living in my house, I knew New Orleans was no longer livable but in my head if I did not recognize the fact, it really didn't happen. Then a girl in class said she was taking clothes and supplies for people and would appreciate donations from classmates, in that moment I had to accept the fact that this devastating even did happen and no matter how much I wanted to separate myself from New Orleans, it was happening. I, a non-crier, broke down in tears. Apparently it's not only me and my family who imagined this, it's real.

I had my "classroom" experience yesterday when I was getting a smoothie. They had on some new channel and I read the title, I turned away because I could feel vomit churning in my stomach. When they started to show the pictures of these innocent humans, I pulled out my phone to prevent from crying. So often we look at the TV and see pictures of victims and they are strangers- at least to myself, but not this time. They showed a young, nameless person and I saw my friend Juan. They showed a few more pictures and I saw Art and Eddy, people I've met in the club, people who my friends have told stories about. They were not "nameless strangers" they were people I love, people who have accepted me for who I am as I have done for them. They were young people having a good time, loving themselves, celebrating who they are and all their potential and now they will be a big topic for a short while and forgotten about.

I wonder how long with this support of the LGBTQ community continue. How long are we going to pray for the gay and not pray the gay away? How much longer are we going to stand with LGBTQs and not condemn a woman who stands to piss? I want to celebrate this sudden burst of support for those often overlooked, deemed molesters, monsters etc, but I know in two weeks the biggest thing to talk about in Florida is a friendly little rodent.

I know that if the mass shooting of innocent children with nothing but life ahead of them did not change gun laws, gays most definitely will not do that. But when will enough be enough and we take away this violet weapon? Clearly not when kindergartners are killed, clearly not when people are enjoying a movie, clearly not when people are praising God during Bible study, and I'm not fortune teller, but something tells me when people are having a good time at a club during a celebration will not do anything either.

I have a cousin who collects guns, is a proud Repulseican Republican, and thinks campaigns like Black Lives Matter is ridiculous. His gun collection far beyond any Precious  Moments collection in the 90s. Often I wonder, why have that many guns? You only have two hands. Why have that many types? Something I find some interesting is that if someone comes into my home and tries to steal my rubber gloves I clean my dishes with, according to my state laws, I can kill them. However, if same said person starts to choke my best friend, dad or mother, all I can do is call the police and wait for them, of course by this time they can easily be dead.

We are living in a sick time if we can protect our stuff but not something irreplaceable. We are living in a sick time if we can tote around heavy arms and not bring shampoo and hairspray on a plane. We are living in a time...

As I was telling my mother, this one hit too close to home. When I heard about Sandy Hook I cried, these were babies who had so much potential, but I was not a teacher at the time, did not want to teach elementary school and had no children. I felt so much for these parents who lives will never be the same, these children who will never see how amazing life will be. I wanted to hug the families in Boston but I did not run, I don't watch 5Ks. I hated the church massacre, this man sat, heard the word of God and still killed these people. Yet, although a Christian, I don't go to church.

This however is me. I'm a "Good Judy" aka fruit fly just two weeks ago I went to the gay club with my friends just because. Since the time I've turned 21 I've been to more gay clubs than straight ones. Presently, I have more gay/queer friends than straight ones. Those people killed are my friends, the people out celebrating that night was me. Unlike all the above mentioned, I go to these places. These clubs are my escape from adult life. This is where I go to have a good time and not feel judged, enjoy a show, get drunk and feel I'll be safe walking to my friend's car. Where has the safety gone? Sure when walking to my car I often think, I or whoever I am with, can easily get our ass beat since that is a common over looked act, but I never think about getting killed with a gun.

I don't even want to get into the terrorist going to LA Pride considering my brother was there in that moment.

Where is the love?

Megan

Sad day...

I once read online, maybe back in my Tumblr days, that if you are sad for no reason at all, then that means a person who no one grieved for die. Of course you can't believe everything on the internet, and even less on Tumblr, but I like this sentiment. Even if it's not true, and no scientific proof to back this up, I like to believe in this thought. Maybe I want to believe in it because I experienced depression in high school and college and to prevent me from going back into that dark circle of hopelessness, I make myself believe in this thought. Or maybe, even if I don't like to admit it, since I am an emotional person I need a reason for my unexplainable burst of sadness. Call me crazy but even though the hopelessness does not feel good at the time, I am okay to grieve for the person who had no one. I always find myself wondering in that moment, who were they? A homeless person? A gay or trans individual whose family outcasted them and never knew of what happened to them? Could it be a drug addict or prostate? A missing person who was very loved, a family already grieving by already being in limbo, but finally their last moments are gone? Hell, it can even be an older, or younger person whose family just did not care.

Anyway, today was a sad day for me. It wasn't even how it started, it literally happened a few moments ago when I stepped into the grocery (why do things always happen at the grocery for me?). I found a pretty good spot, and at the time I went, that's basically impossible. Suddenly when I went inside, my mood just depleted. I could not wait to get home and curl under my covers and sleep the rest of the day away and it's only 2:30. I decided to not do that and went with a strategy that I did in high school, and I'm doing it now, write. I'm feeling sort of better but not 100%.

To be honest, I don't even think this anonymous person is the reason for my sadness and I think a few things could attribute to it, but not make me feel so sad. This morning when I woke up, I decided no TV. I watch way too much of it, stunting the amount of reading I use to do. I haven't read in a while and if I want to keep up with my GoodReads goal I better kick it into gear!

A couple of days ago, my best friend and I went out and I told him how I'd like to become good friends with a guy he introduced to me to. He asked with much attitude, "why would you want to be his friend? Find your own friend he's one of my closest guy friends." Whatever, I thought and just left the idea alone. One thing I did do was text this guy I met over New Years, without making this blog entry too long and tell a mundane story, I'll just say we hadn't spoke since about mid-January. He was all cute and flirty six months ago, but when I texted him last night, he just seemed cold and distant. Taking about two hours to text back, not seeming really into, I know, I know, it's texting, you can never really get what a person is feeling but it seemed different. Now my "avoiding" him has turned into actually full on avoiding. I hope we never bump into one another again, although that is a little hard considering how small the city is and who we hang out with.

Out of all the jobs I applied to, I've heard back from no one. Now I'm going to a job fair later on next week which will be so fun since I don't know how to think fast for interview purposes and there will be a ton of people. I'm giving myself time to prep and I'll think of basic questions they may ask me. I don't want to feel that I am being stuck where I am at. Maybe it's my GPA, or the semester I took off and did nothing. Oh well, who cares, I want to marry rich anyway.

Usually when I'm sad and down and out, I can't think of reason why I may be. Also, in the past (other than college) when I wrote stuff out, it made me feel better, Either it's a mixture of this random person and the reasons, or something else. I even considered going home this weekend knowing that wouldn't help anything. 

I want to get out and do something, but I don't want to go by myself. I went to the movies by myself Tuesday. I went to the grocery and shopping by myself. I want need, human interaction. I've already joined meetup.com and the event I was going to go to got cancelled. There are also not many groups I want to join. I like playing boardgames but not too many groups, and if so they're meeting at a person's house. I like museums, none of that on there oddly. Yeah I can make my own group, I just need to stop complaining and be proactive.

Yeah so...

Megan