Sad day...

I once read online, maybe back in my Tumblr days, that if you are sad for no reason at all, then that means a person who no one grieved for die. Of course you can't believe everything on the internet, and even less on Tumblr, but I like this sentiment. Even if it's not true, and no scientific proof to back this up, I like to believe in this thought. Maybe I want to believe in it because I experienced depression in high school and college and to prevent me from going back into that dark circle of hopelessness, I make myself believe in this thought. Or maybe, even if I don't like to admit it, since I am an emotional person I need a reason for my unexplainable burst of sadness. Call me crazy but even though the hopelessness does not feel good at the time, I am okay to grieve for the person who had no one. I always find myself wondering in that moment, who were they? A homeless person? A gay or trans individual whose family outcasted them and never knew of what happened to them? Could it be a drug addict or prostate? A missing person who was very loved, a family already grieving by already being in limbo, but finally their last moments are gone? Hell, it can even be an older, or younger person whose family just did not care.

Anyway, today was a sad day for me. It wasn't even how it started, it literally happened a few moments ago when I stepped into the grocery (why do things always happen at the grocery for me?). I found a pretty good spot, and at the time I went, that's basically impossible. Suddenly when I went inside, my mood just depleted. I could not wait to get home and curl under my covers and sleep the rest of the day away and it's only 2:30. I decided to not do that and went with a strategy that I did in high school, and I'm doing it now, write. I'm feeling sort of better but not 100%.

To be honest, I don't even think this anonymous person is the reason for my sadness and I think a few things could attribute to it, but not make me feel so sad. This morning when I woke up, I decided no TV. I watch way too much of it, stunting the amount of reading I use to do. I haven't read in a while and if I want to keep up with my GoodReads goal I better kick it into gear!

A couple of days ago, my best friend and I went out and I told him how I'd like to become good friends with a guy he introduced to me to. He asked with much attitude, "why would you want to be his friend? Find your own friend he's one of my closest guy friends." Whatever, I thought and just left the idea alone. One thing I did do was text this guy I met over New Years, without making this blog entry too long and tell a mundane story, I'll just say we hadn't spoke since about mid-January. He was all cute and flirty six months ago, but when I texted him last night, he just seemed cold and distant. Taking about two hours to text back, not seeming really into, I know, I know, it's texting, you can never really get what a person is feeling but it seemed different. Now my "avoiding" him has turned into actually full on avoiding. I hope we never bump into one another again, although that is a little hard considering how small the city is and who we hang out with.

Out of all the jobs I applied to, I've heard back from no one. Now I'm going to a job fair later on next week which will be so fun since I don't know how to think fast for interview purposes and there will be a ton of people. I'm giving myself time to prep and I'll think of basic questions they may ask me. I don't want to feel that I am being stuck where I am at. Maybe it's my GPA, or the semester I took off and did nothing. Oh well, who cares, I want to marry rich anyway.

Usually when I'm sad and down and out, I can't think of reason why I may be. Also, in the past (other than college) when I wrote stuff out, it made me feel better, Either it's a mixture of this random person and the reasons, or something else. I even considered going home this weekend knowing that wouldn't help anything. 

I want to get out and do something, but I don't want to go by myself. I went to the movies by myself Tuesday. I went to the grocery and shopping by myself. I want need, human interaction. I've already joined meetup.com and the event I was going to go to got cancelled. There are also not many groups I want to join. I like playing boardgames but not too many groups, and if so they're meeting at a person's house. I like museums, none of that on there oddly. Yeah I can make my own group, I just need to stop complaining and be proactive.

Yeah so...

Megan