Gosh I want him back

Last night I started to cry because I did not document our love story, yet here I am documenting my heart break. I called him at 1:42 last night (earlier today) I faked that I had been drinking (I had but not that much). I just really wanted to see his face and not in one of those pictures I'll look at the rest of my life. I wanted to see him I needed to know how he was doing and feeling.

When I told him I loved him, he told me not to say that because it wasn't real. It was and I even told him so many reasons why I loved him. He said he checked my Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram to see if I blocked him or deleted our pictures, but all of my accounts were private. I never posted him online because he himself does not like social media so I respected him. I asked him when he found someone else will he delete me and he said yes.

He started working out (LA Fitness, I asked, he refused to tell but did eventually. Not the one I went to though). I asked so he could catch another bitch and he said yes. I reminded him that a woman should love him for him and not his looks, I did and never once did I ever think he needed to lose weight, he wanted to. I thought his perfectly chubby body was just that, perfect.

I told him that if he ever wants to get rid of his dog, please consider giving him to me. I am in love with that dog (as the owner) and he and my dog are brothers and best friends. We never talked about the stuff we have respectfully. He has my Apple TV and my parents' air mattress and I have so much stuff for him.

Such as his iPad (like old school rectangle charger) which I logged onto yesterday. I was hoping that his messages would be connected or SOMETHING, but nada. I wanted to be noisy and see what he was saying about me. Were they good? Bad? Cursing me out calling me a bitch? Well, it was a fail, I even tried to log onto his Instagram and follow me but the password was wrong (and possibly UN) and he would have gotten a notification on his phone.

Eventually he let his wall fall and did let me in. He asked if my dog was eating (he had not been, but is now). I told him some stuff. I really can't remember because (1 I'm listening to Carole King's So Far Away and I can't think) it was about 3 in the morning when we finally hung up, much to my dismay. I was nearly sleeping anyway.

I miss this man so much, but I know we can never be. My parents now hate him so much and I can never listen to their fucking mouths for the rest of my life about him, and he just does not want it.

I thanked him for loving me and always being my support system. I reminded him he was my best friend. Looking back, I was a terrible girlfriend. I never appreciated him as much as I should have. I tried to encourage him, but I criticized along the way too. I would love to see him five years in the future or even three just to see how he is. Lord knows I love him dearly. I feel like I can literally die because I will never know the joy of sharing a child with him. We would have made a beautiful baby ☺️.

We had a few arguments along the way. He told me moving back home is a blanket for me and I told him his best friend was a blanket for him. He moved to his current city because of her and was looking for work in her city... well he wasn't LOOKING, but he was considering it.

I hate having a broken heart. It hurts worse than any toothache, migraine, tummy ache or flu. Why? I literally cannot wait until I am over this. As soon as I think I'm having a good day, I get in a sunken mood. I deleted all the pictures of him off my phone but they are still in my Google Photos. I want to get over him, not forget him. I still want to remember his beautiful face. The little scar he got on his forehead before he even started school. His gorgeous green eyes that looked so lovingly at me when I wasn't looking or when I was waking up. His smile and missing "vampire" tooth so his dentist could make more room when he had braces. I fear I will forget everything he ever told about me. I guess that will be good when I find my love, and have my herd of children, not thinking of him, and he'll be nothing more than a passing memory.

I want to visit him for my birthday or his, or just one random weekend, but I know my family. My mother thinks every male will want to kill an ex. In fact, when I told her I was going to break up with him in person, she said that she almost punched a guy in the face when he broke up with her. I was going to ask her how old was she, but she has borderline personality disorder and cannot see reasoning very well. I just want one more last goodbye from him. He his my love.

I'm sure there's so much more here I want to post, but just can't remember (Thanks Lianne La Havas- No Room For Doubt).

I love you. You broke my heart. I hope you can be happy because that’s all I would ever want for you.

Other than a cold hearted "BYE" (understandable?) that's the last thing he said/texted me.

The second day gets easier I see. I din't wake up and burst into tears the second the paste hit my toothbrush, I waited much later. I don't feel sad or jumbled, I just feel bummed out we won't be friends, I know, I asked this summer.

While driving to the movies, (it was our thing) I was thinking about how last night I prayed that he will find the perfect woman for him, but I was wishing all these horrible things, so I hope my prayers are answered before my wishes.


Hope
-She makes him miserable
-She makes him end his friendship with his crazy ass best friend (apparently she thought he was in love with her, stupid high school shit)
-She loves makeup (he hates it)
-She's the ugliest bitch EVER
-She's never amazing as I was
-He'll always think of me
-He bring me up and chance gets
-He gets his shit together and calls me as a better person- but that's impossible because that would mean he's changing for me and not because he wants to. I know him, it would be for me

Pray
-She loves his dog as much as I have loved my first puppy
-They want the same number of kids (we'd fight all the time)
-She loves any artist's concert as much as him
-They share the same religious views
-She loves to drink beer
-She loves him like I did at the peak of my love for him
-He is everything she ever wanted
-She is PERFECT for him because he fucking deserves it
-His grandmother loves her before meeting her based solely on all the amazing things he has told her
-She hates talking on the phone like him
-They can sit on the couch and have a better time being in the house more than we did
-His best friend and her get along
-She's highly intelligent
-She drives well and doesn't hate when he tells her how to drive
-His smacking doesn't bother her
-They work well and are amazing together
-She's okay with his lack of family connection (his choice)
-She doesn't pick fights just because
-She is beautiful inside and out

I want him to have the most wonderful life possible, if that is with or without me there.