Happy Leap Day

Just writing a quick post because it is Leap Day. When will this ever happen again? Oh that's right, four years from now.

It is so funny how so much can change in four years. I was still living with my parents, jobless, and oh so happy. Still happy, but since then I have found "love" got a pretty good job, and moved out on my own! Life ain't too bad. Really can't wait to see what the next four years and Leap Day will bring.

XOXO,

Megan

No 2019

I've had this thing since 2016, and I did not make a post at all last year!!! 365 days missed! Well here is my 2020 post. *Kiss*

Gosh I want him back

Last night I started to cry because I did not document our love story, yet here I am documenting my heart break. I called him at 1:42 last night (earlier today) I faked that I had been drinking (I had but not that much). I just really wanted to see his face and not in one of those pictures I'll look at the rest of my life. I wanted to see him I needed to know how he was doing and feeling.

When I told him I loved him, he told me not to say that because it wasn't real. It was and I even told him so many reasons why I loved him. He said he checked my Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram to see if I blocked him or deleted our pictures, but all of my accounts were private. I never posted him online because he himself does not like social media so I respected him. I asked him when he found someone else will he delete me and he said yes.

He started working out (LA Fitness, I asked, he refused to tell but did eventually. Not the one I went to though). I asked so he could catch another bitch and he said yes. I reminded him that a woman should love him for him and not his looks, I did and never once did I ever think he needed to lose weight, he wanted to. I thought his perfectly chubby body was just that, perfect.

I told him that if he ever wants to get rid of his dog, please consider giving him to me. I am in love with that dog (as the owner) and he and my dog are brothers and best friends. We never talked about the stuff we have respectfully. He has my Apple TV and my parents' air mattress and I have so much stuff for him.

Such as his iPad (like old school rectangle charger) which I logged onto yesterday. I was hoping that his messages would be connected or SOMETHING, but nada. I wanted to be noisy and see what he was saying about me. Were they good? Bad? Cursing me out calling me a bitch? Well, it was a fail, I even tried to log onto his Instagram and follow me but the password was wrong (and possibly UN) and he would have gotten a notification on his phone.

Eventually he let his wall fall and did let me in. He asked if my dog was eating (he had not been, but is now). I told him some stuff. I really can't remember because (1 I'm listening to Carole King's So Far Away and I can't think) it was about 3 in the morning when we finally hung up, much to my dismay. I was nearly sleeping anyway.

I miss this man so much, but I know we can never be. My parents now hate him so much and I can never listen to their fucking mouths for the rest of my life about him, and he just does not want it.

I thanked him for loving me and always being my support system. I reminded him he was my best friend. Looking back, I was a terrible girlfriend. I never appreciated him as much as I should have. I tried to encourage him, but I criticized along the way too. I would love to see him five years in the future or even three just to see how he is. Lord knows I love him dearly. I feel like I can literally die because I will never know the joy of sharing a child with him. We would have made a beautiful baby ☺️.

We had a few arguments along the way. He told me moving back home is a blanket for me and I told him his best friend was a blanket for him. He moved to his current city because of her and was looking for work in her city... well he wasn't LOOKING, but he was considering it.

I hate having a broken heart. It hurts worse than any toothache, migraine, tummy ache or flu. Why? I literally cannot wait until I am over this. As soon as I think I'm having a good day, I get in a sunken mood. I deleted all the pictures of him off my phone but they are still in my Google Photos. I want to get over him, not forget him. I still want to remember his beautiful face. The little scar he got on his forehead before he even started school. His gorgeous green eyes that looked so lovingly at me when I wasn't looking or when I was waking up. His smile and missing "vampire" tooth so his dentist could make more room when he had braces. I fear I will forget everything he ever told about me. I guess that will be good when I find my love, and have my herd of children, not thinking of him, and he'll be nothing more than a passing memory.

I want to visit him for my birthday or his, or just one random weekend, but I know my family. My mother thinks every male will want to kill an ex. In fact, when I told her I was going to break up with him in person, she said that she almost punched a guy in the face when he broke up with her. I was going to ask her how old was she, but she has borderline personality disorder and cannot see reasoning very well. I just want one more last goodbye from him. He his my love.

I'm sure there's so much more here I want to post, but just can't remember (Thanks Lianne La Havas- No Room For Doubt).

I love you. You broke my heart. I hope you can be happy because that’s all I would ever want for you.

Other than a cold hearted "BYE" (understandable?) that's the last thing he said/texted me.

The second day gets easier I see. I din't wake up and burst into tears the second the paste hit my toothbrush, I waited much later. I don't feel sad or jumbled, I just feel bummed out we won't be friends, I know, I asked this summer.

While driving to the movies, (it was our thing) I was thinking about how last night I prayed that he will find the perfect woman for him, but I was wishing all these horrible things, so I hope my prayers are answered before my wishes.


Hope
-She makes him miserable
-She makes him end his friendship with his crazy ass best friend (apparently she thought he was in love with her, stupid high school shit)
-She loves makeup (he hates it)
-She's the ugliest bitch EVER
-She's never amazing as I was
-He'll always think of me
-He bring me up and chance gets
-He gets his shit together and calls me as a better person- but that's impossible because that would mean he's changing for me and not because he wants to. I know him, it would be for me

Pray
-She loves his dog as much as I have loved my first puppy
-They want the same number of kids (we'd fight all the time)
-She loves any artist's concert as much as him
-They share the same religious views
-She loves to drink beer
-She loves him like I did at the peak of my love for him
-He is everything she ever wanted
-She is PERFECT for him because he fucking deserves it
-His grandmother loves her before meeting her based solely on all the amazing things he has told her
-She hates talking on the phone like him
-They can sit on the couch and have a better time being in the house more than we did
-His best friend and her get along
-She's highly intelligent
-She drives well and doesn't hate when he tells her how to drive
-His smacking doesn't bother her
-They work well and are amazing together
-She's okay with his lack of family connection (his choice)
-She doesn't pick fights just because
-She is beautiful inside and out

I want him to have the most wonderful life possible, if that is with or without me there.

Breaking up is hard enough (oh oh u oh) 2gether anyone?

So I dated this guy for 1 year and 1 month and today I decided to break up with him. I've never been more sad. Or relieved. Or happy. Or regretful. Or jumbled. In fact, I think that's the word I can use to describe myself right now. Jumbled.

When we first started out it was great. Actually, he was supposed to be my first step in my "hoe phase." BUT! as life would have it, there was something totally different in store for me. We met one drunken night (for me) at a club through mutual friends. That's about all I can say because I remember nothing since it was the last day of school my first year teaching. Well, we hung out as "friends" for a month, then the following month it became more than that and a few days later we became official. Gosh, I can't even remember my (old?) anniversary... July... 7th? no... 8th, Kobe. Anyway, ever since then, he stayed every night.

When school started back up in late August, he suggested he get a key and we just make it so that he moved in, and we did. I didn't because I mean I knew the man for a whole two months, but a year later and there he was. In the beginning it was so much fun, but I think we moved too quickly. Already after a certain amount of time we were farting in front of one another, taking shits without spraying or lighting candles and not even bothering to look cute before bed. We even said I love you fast, but I saw nothing wrong with that.

Sometime over this summer, I realized that he wasn't truly the one. I tried to convince myself otherwise, fake happiness, think of the beautiful children we'd have together, but in the end I ended up with cannot be happy. So... I did it...


I told him his lack of drive drives me nuts. Our different beliefs is crazy, I din't tell him how I feel he is condescending because I did not want to make it about him. I also told him how I really hope in a month or two, he'd be willing to take me back. He knew I was breaking up with him even before I said it. I guess my tears were a dead giveaway.

What fucking KILLS me and hurts me to the core is how he will have happiness with another. There will be some woman who will be capable of loving the man I love and having his beautiful babies, and one day, holding his wrinkled aging hand. And I will not be that one or able to witness it. I guess I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. Be happy with him, but also find someone else to be happy with. That's not a reality. I have to accept what I've done and move on. No matter how hard it hurts.

I know I'll find someone else (although it took me 6 years to find him after my last "boyfriend") but that transition time will be hard as hell. And I'll miss him and want to tell him everything every step of the way through.

I didn't even grieve the end of my 12 year friendship as much as I'm grieving him. Maybe because he was there to help me through it. He's not a Facebook or social media person, so I'll never know what's going on in his life ever again.

It's like I fell that I'll never be happy again, but I know for a fact that I will. I have to be. Because my one is somewhere out there... hopefully.

N.E.R.D. as told by a 17 year long fan

Picture it, California 2017. A girl and her brother are getting ready to see a group they have listened to since the tender ages of 11 and 14. They get dressed- not in any particular way to impress anyone since they are now a "mature" 28 and 31, drive to Complex Con and wait many antagonizing hours to enjoy their favorite group for the second time together.

The little sister, still thinking her brother holds all the answers, asks what songs he believes the group will play. They debate back and forth. "That was a single," the brother reminds, "of course that'll play." "That wasn't one of the popular ones, that won't happen," he does not install hope into his little sister.

Finally they  get to the stage. "Clearly Backseat Love is going to happen," the sister observes as she notes the various cars on stage.

I bet you they are going to all come out of the cars and start with Backseat," the brother guesses.

Two agonizing hours later and running from people checking tickets, it a robotic voice comes on, welcoming all listeners to the N.E.R.D. listening party. The. brother and sister go wild.

Just two months ago my brother and I experienced the best N.E.R.D. experience I have experienced. I've listened to their music live three times now, got an autographed signed once, and took one picture with the one and only Chad Hugo.

Seeing as how I have been listening to NERD longer than my students have been living and younger than they are now, I am simply amazed at their new found radio popularity and fresh burst of internet articles. While at the listening party, I noticed the astonishing amount of times they used the N-Word and unusual sound. This did not bother me. They can release a blank song like Pootie Tang and I will still jam that windows down and all the way up. Still, I can't help but wonder if this is all a social experiment.

The first time I remember hearing any member's name was when I was student teaching and Pharrell's Happy grazed every single radio station. I wanted to shank my ears. This man wrote one of the best ass shaking songs of the early 90s Rump Shaker, and sampled my favorite Michael Jackson song to create Love will be right here- Pharrell's not new.

Anyway, back to the listening party. The N-Bomb was exploding all over the place. Yes, I was uncomfortable hearing this but why not enjoy the moment? As I listened to the beautiful sounds, I saw the words float across my face, these words are politically charged and I liked it! When the dancers stepped on stage I looked at my brother and noted, they were dressed militantly. The lyrics confirmed it.

If you look back at any N.E.R.D. CD from the past, if not all three, one member is gracing the cover. This new CD has a white woman with foil grill scrounging her pot hole in a stereotypical way. Appropriation. Or so I see it as. In this album they are taking on political issues such as the disgusting police shooting that are NBD to some.

With the CD coming out tomorrow (and me writing this since last Thursday) I am excited to relisten. My least favorite song was "Don't Don't Do It." We were told the story behind it and for the inspiration, it was too happy. My favorite was "Rollin Them 7s" with the great Andre 3000 (who drew cartoon at Complex Con)- although at the time it sounded like a bunch of adlibbing.

No One Ever Really Dies- We Simply Change Form,

Megan

What's the Meaning?

What's the meaning of life? In the past I have suffered (lived through) depression. I can feel it slowly creeping back in, and that scares me- mainly because I don't have time to be depressed. I mean when the hell do I have time to crawl in a corner, debate the meaning of my life and hope things get better?

My job is so demanding and more than I thought it would be. Because of it, I've had no social life, no time to cook, or even care for myself. I haven't gone to the gym and actually worked out in months. I haven't gone to bed at a decent time in so long. I am so beyond read for Thanksgiving break! I am ready for a recharge. I think I am stuck in the "April Attitude." When Thanksgiving or Christmas (Holiday? Winter?) break is over I know I'll feel better.

I need to find someone. I know I do. I need to speak to someone to let it all out, but I have no time. That's the sad part. I've been feeling dizzy and like I'm walking at an angle for weeks now. My lower back and neck has been hurting for almost months. My brain has been frazzled since my birthday. But I'm trying to figure out when I can actually check on this. I've been so overwhelmed so much.

I also feel that I'm in a point in my life when something should be happening. Like I feel like I'm watching the movie when the woman has everything perfect happening and the one thing that fucks everything is meeting a man she has a whirlwind with. Maybe it's the depression talking. A lot of times when I'm going down I'm expecting something to pull me up mainly love (other times getting great grades or all As without studying). 

Anyway I hope things start to get better. Maybe a little love won't hurt me and it'll prevent me from being around people other than Buddy and his friends who really aren't mine. It'll just have someone there not on the platonic side of friendship. Look at me, haven't my last few post been about this?

It feels so good to get that out on paper... the internet? Either way, I'm done, hopefully pinning it here will prevent me from going too low again.

Smiley face,

Megan