What's the Meaning?

What's the meaning of life? In the past I have suffered (lived through) depression. I can feel it slowly creeping back in, and that scares me- mainly because I don't have time to be depressed. I mean when the hell do I have time to crawl in a corner, debate the meaning of my life and hope things get better?

My job is so demanding and more than I thought it would be. Because of it, I've had no social life, no time to cook, or even care for myself. I haven't gone to the gym and actually worked out in months. I haven't gone to bed at a decent time in so long. I am so beyond read for Thanksgiving break! I am ready for a recharge. I think I am stuck in the "April Attitude." When Thanksgiving or Christmas (Holiday? Winter?) break is over I know I'll feel better.

I need to find someone. I know I do. I need to speak to someone to let it all out, but I have no time. That's the sad part. I've been feeling dizzy and like I'm walking at an angle for weeks now. My lower back and neck has been hurting for almost months. My brain has been frazzled since my birthday. But I'm trying to figure out when I can actually check on this. I've been so overwhelmed so much.

I also feel that I'm in a point in my life when something should be happening. Like I feel like I'm watching the movie when the woman has everything perfect happening and the one thing that fucks everything is meeting a man she has a whirlwind with. Maybe it's the depression talking. A lot of times when I'm going down I'm expecting something to pull me up mainly love (other times getting great grades or all As without studying). 

Anyway I hope things start to get better. Maybe a little love won't hurt me and it'll prevent me from being around people other than Buddy and his friends who really aren't mine. It'll just have someone there not on the platonic side of friendship. Look at me, haven't my last few post been about this?

It feels so good to get that out on paper... the internet? Either way, I'm done, hopefully pinning it here will prevent me from going too low again.

Smiley face,

Megan

OMG When Did This Happen?!

I have no clue how this happened. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. Somehow, over the course of twenty-six years, I have become... an adult. How the HELL did this happen?

When I was a kid Toys R Us had a song that went something like "I don't want to grow up I want to be a Toys R Us kid." That was literally my aspiration. I was never that kid who was like "I can't wait to grow up so I can do *insert silly kid thing*" or "I can't wait to grow up so I can move out!" My brother of course burst my bubble by telling me one day I will have to grow up and it's stupid to sing that song.I knew I was going to grow up, I knew one day I would become an adult, I just didn't want to.

Now I am the exact thing I did not want to be. I am somehow... a grown up *insert bawling noise*. I have my own place, I have a real person job, I not only bake but cook as well, I pay bills other than a cellphone, I have co-workerks, I drive a car and make paymenta for said car, and above all, I have insurance, through before mentioned job. Yep, that's when you know shit gets real, when your job gives you insurance.

Sure I play Pokemon Go, what Millennial doesn't? I also still get crushes and giggly around guys I like like a teenager, but in every sense of the word, I am an adult. I remember when I was at the gas station this little boy kept saying "excuse me ma'am" over and over again. I was thinking damn this kid is annoying, where in the hell is this grown woman to help this kid out?! So, I started looking around to help this little kid find this adult "ma'am". That's when it happened, I looked down at the kid and he said, "ma'am will you please hand me the silverware." I was stunned for a second, this kid was about ten, I had fifteen years on him sure, but that doesn't mean I'm a ma'am. A ma'am wears a broach and drives a Buick. I wear shorts and go on hikes. Anyway, I handed this kid the plasticware and asked him if he needed two he said no. To add insult to injury, he said "thank you ma'am." I started looking for my cane.

A few years ago I remember thinking in the 90s I thought people in their 20s were adults. I remember being like 11 or 12, thinking at 20, I would have graduated college, and lived with a boyfriend who I would hide when my parents came to visit. At 17 I thought by the age I am now, I would be married with a kid and probably another one baking.

Ha! That's all I have to day! Ten years later and I am more single than I was then, trying to come up with plans on how to get a date with the hot guy at the gym who flirts with me and looks at every girl who walks in and out of the gym (a real winner I know).

To be honest, I'm not a big fan of adulting or being single lol. But, I am happy with where I am. I am supper happy to be a financially independent woman who can provide for herself. My parents always taught me to depend on no one other than myself and that's exactly what I am doing. So score one for Megan.

Adulting,

Megan

Golden Period

Thirteen years ago, at the tinder age of 13, I got my first period... at school. It was a light brown and since I was not the cleanest of children, I honestly thought it was shit. I was a dirty kid, even at 13 liking boys and wanting them to like me did not make me wear deodorant, perfume or not dress like my brother. Take that society! I was considered a "tomboy", I just considered myself Megan. 

Oddly enough, 13 years later, I still get shocked, scared and then immediately sad every time I see blood on toilet paper monthly. You'd think after all this time one would get use to the cycle of having a cycle but here I am a twenty-six year old "woman" not.

I tried a Soft Cup today, I also tried one two years ago. Two years ago I was terrified it would get stuck. At the time I was sick, so every time I couched, every time I sneezed, I felt that damn thing. I took that damn Soft Cup in and out about five times before I decided to leave it out. Wait for a light day I though.

Today, well yesterday since it is exactly a minute after 12, I decided to try one again. I sent a message to a few friends just incase I died and no one would hear from me. My stomach started cramping, bad, so I got scared. I had cramps earlier but I popped a Pamprin and it was over. Surely they would not be coming back. 

Long story short, I gave birth to a Soft Cup minutes ago. I wanted to take it out since my stomach was hurting so bad, my vision changed and it felt like I wanted to vomit. I was fine minutes ago, so clearly this foreign object is the culprit. I could not get it out! The instructions said to bare down as if taking a shit... bowl movement they said. So I did, and nothing happened, or so I thought. The more I bared down, the closer this cup came until eventually, it come so close I could pull the bastard out. And it hurt.

For a while I debated on going to the hospital. Embarrassed I would be and with my luck it would have been an attractive young, potential, single, male doctor. Hmmm... maybe I should go stick that thing back in there.

Never agin! I swore, but when I finally took the thing out, I considered let's try a light day.

Surely there is more a girl gets for her Golden Period other than dry hands from washing her hands too much, cramps, and fear a Soft Cup will get stuck right? I mean here I am binging Game of Thrones and I've shed more blood in the past 13 years than in all this show! I should have a servant serving me menstrual tea to help with cramps and make this damn Apple TV play will less blockyness. It's a fucking binge people! I shouldn't have to refresh my internet every 30 minutes!!!

Here's to another 13 years!😡

Megan

What do I even say?

For days now I've been avoiding everything that happened in Orlando. I have turned off the TV, refused to watch the countless videos on Facebook and will not read the articles. I don't want to because it makes it real.

When I was 15 Hurricane Katrina hit. There were 18 people living in my house, I knew New Orleans was no longer livable but in my head if I did not recognize the fact, it really didn't happen. Then a girl in class said she was taking clothes and supplies for people and would appreciate donations from classmates, in that moment I had to accept the fact that this devastating even did happen and no matter how much I wanted to separate myself from New Orleans, it was happening. I, a non-crier, broke down in tears. Apparently it's not only me and my family who imagined this, it's real.

I had my "classroom" experience yesterday when I was getting a smoothie. They had on some new channel and I read the title, I turned away because I could feel vomit churning in my stomach. When they started to show the pictures of these innocent humans, I pulled out my phone to prevent from crying. So often we look at the TV and see pictures of victims and they are strangers- at least to myself, but not this time. They showed a young, nameless person and I saw my friend Juan. They showed a few more pictures and I saw Art and Eddy, people I've met in the club, people who my friends have told stories about. They were not "nameless strangers" they were people I love, people who have accepted me for who I am as I have done for them. They were young people having a good time, loving themselves, celebrating who they are and all their potential and now they will be a big topic for a short while and forgotten about.

I wonder how long with this support of the LGBTQ community continue. How long are we going to pray for the gay and not pray the gay away? How much longer are we going to stand with LGBTQs and not condemn a woman who stands to piss? I want to celebrate this sudden burst of support for those often overlooked, deemed molesters, monsters etc, but I know in two weeks the biggest thing to talk about in Florida is a friendly little rodent.

I know that if the mass shooting of innocent children with nothing but life ahead of them did not change gun laws, gays most definitely will not do that. But when will enough be enough and we take away this violet weapon? Clearly not when kindergartners are killed, clearly not when people are enjoying a movie, clearly not when people are praising God during Bible study, and I'm not fortune teller, but something tells me when people are having a good time at a club during a celebration will not do anything either.

I have a cousin who collects guns, is a proud Repulseican Republican, and thinks campaigns like Black Lives Matter is ridiculous. His gun collection far beyond any Precious  Moments collection in the 90s. Often I wonder, why have that many guns? You only have two hands. Why have that many types? Something I find some interesting is that if someone comes into my home and tries to steal my rubber gloves I clean my dishes with, according to my state laws, I can kill them. However, if same said person starts to choke my best friend, dad or mother, all I can do is call the police and wait for them, of course by this time they can easily be dead.

We are living in a sick time if we can protect our stuff but not something irreplaceable. We are living in a sick time if we can tote around heavy arms and not bring shampoo and hairspray on a plane. We are living in a time...

As I was telling my mother, this one hit too close to home. When I heard about Sandy Hook I cried, these were babies who had so much potential, but I was not a teacher at the time, did not want to teach elementary school and had no children. I felt so much for these parents who lives will never be the same, these children who will never see how amazing life will be. I wanted to hug the families in Boston but I did not run, I don't watch 5Ks. I hated the church massacre, this man sat, heard the word of God and still killed these people. Yet, although a Christian, I don't go to church.

This however is me. I'm a "Good Judy" aka fruit fly just two weeks ago I went to the gay club with my friends just because. Since the time I've turned 21 I've been to more gay clubs than straight ones. Presently, I have more gay/queer friends than straight ones. Those people killed are my friends, the people out celebrating that night was me. Unlike all the above mentioned, I go to these places. These clubs are my escape from adult life. This is where I go to have a good time and not feel judged, enjoy a show, get drunk and feel I'll be safe walking to my friend's car. Where has the safety gone? Sure when walking to my car I often think, I or whoever I am with, can easily get our ass beat since that is a common over looked act, but I never think about getting killed with a gun.

I don't even want to get into the terrorist going to LA Pride considering my brother was there in that moment.

Where is the love?

Megan

Sad day...

I once read online, maybe back in my Tumblr days, that if you are sad for no reason at all, then that means a person who no one grieved for die. Of course you can't believe everything on the internet, and even less on Tumblr, but I like this sentiment. Even if it's not true, and no scientific proof to back this up, I like to believe in this thought. Maybe I want to believe in it because I experienced depression in high school and college and to prevent me from going back into that dark circle of hopelessness, I make myself believe in this thought. Or maybe, even if I don't like to admit it, since I am an emotional person I need a reason for my unexplainable burst of sadness. Call me crazy but even though the hopelessness does not feel good at the time, I am okay to grieve for the person who had no one. I always find myself wondering in that moment, who were they? A homeless person? A gay or trans individual whose family outcasted them and never knew of what happened to them? Could it be a drug addict or prostate? A missing person who was very loved, a family already grieving by already being in limbo, but finally their last moments are gone? Hell, it can even be an older, or younger person whose family just did not care.

Anyway, today was a sad day for me. It wasn't even how it started, it literally happened a few moments ago when I stepped into the grocery (why do things always happen at the grocery for me?). I found a pretty good spot, and at the time I went, that's basically impossible. Suddenly when I went inside, my mood just depleted. I could not wait to get home and curl under my covers and sleep the rest of the day away and it's only 2:30. I decided to not do that and went with a strategy that I did in high school, and I'm doing it now, write. I'm feeling sort of better but not 100%.

To be honest, I don't even think this anonymous person is the reason for my sadness and I think a few things could attribute to it, but not make me feel so sad. This morning when I woke up, I decided no TV. I watch way too much of it, stunting the amount of reading I use to do. I haven't read in a while and if I want to keep up with my GoodReads goal I better kick it into gear!

A couple of days ago, my best friend and I went out and I told him how I'd like to become good friends with a guy he introduced to me to. He asked with much attitude, "why would you want to be his friend? Find your own friend he's one of my closest guy friends." Whatever, I thought and just left the idea alone. One thing I did do was text this guy I met over New Years, without making this blog entry too long and tell a mundane story, I'll just say we hadn't spoke since about mid-January. He was all cute and flirty six months ago, but when I texted him last night, he just seemed cold and distant. Taking about two hours to text back, not seeming really into, I know, I know, it's texting, you can never really get what a person is feeling but it seemed different. Now my "avoiding" him has turned into actually full on avoiding. I hope we never bump into one another again, although that is a little hard considering how small the city is and who we hang out with.

Out of all the jobs I applied to, I've heard back from no one. Now I'm going to a job fair later on next week which will be so fun since I don't know how to think fast for interview purposes and there will be a ton of people. I'm giving myself time to prep and I'll think of basic questions they may ask me. I don't want to feel that I am being stuck where I am at. Maybe it's my GPA, or the semester I took off and did nothing. Oh well, who cares, I want to marry rich anyway.

Usually when I'm sad and down and out, I can't think of reason why I may be. Also, in the past (other than college) when I wrote stuff out, it made me feel better, Either it's a mixture of this random person and the reasons, or something else. I even considered going home this weekend knowing that wouldn't help anything. 

I want to get out and do something, but I don't want to go by myself. I went to the movies by myself Tuesday. I went to the grocery and shopping by myself. I want need, human interaction. I've already joined meetup.com and the event I was going to go to got cancelled. There are also not many groups I want to join. I like playing boardgames but not too many groups, and if so they're meeting at a person's house. I like museums, none of that on there oddly. Yeah I can make my own group, I just need to stop complaining and be proactive.

Yeah so...

Megan

Parents, Another Fire, and adoption... in that order

This weekend my parents came in. My dad had Monday off and I invited them down when I went home for my cousin's graduation. They decided to come and I'm happy they did, you appreciate you parents more when you're gone I think. I've always loved them and the older I get and the farther away we are, the more I see how much I missed them.

My mom has been feeling really bad recently so she stayed in and slept most of the weekend. My dad and I went out (to the pet store, Home Depot, sadly Walmart) and hung out a bit. The older I get the cooler I see he is.

They brought plenty of food, cooked and uncooked and even bought me everything we ate this week. My mother even slipped me some money before they left, I told her I did not need it. I didn't return it and she didn't take it back. That's just how they are.

I was cooking caramel today as I have done 3 or 4 times. I'm a baker, I've been doing this baking thing since I was 7 years old, been scratch baking for about five years now! I know how to do it. Well, somehow some caramel fell on the electric burner. Oh shit, I thought. I need to do something so this doesn't catch fire or burn. A paper towel? No, that'll catch fire too is something happens. Baking soda? I don't know if it'll work or if it'll cause something big to happen considering it's been used in many baking dishes, one of my other caramel recipes in fact, it doubles the mixture. My dish sponge? No, that may still have some ammonia on it and cause an even bigger problem. So I say my drying towel for dishes. It too can burn but hey. As soon as I grab this towel to wipe up the very small mess, a very tiny fire starts. I take the rag and wipe it up, it goes out, put the towel in the sink. Pretty simple and much easier than last time but I was still a little shaken up. Luckily this time no fire alarm went off.
TL;DR I hate electric stoves!

Finally adoption. My parents of course brought my baby with them. A *sniff* six year old Maltese who is the love of my life. He's my boyfriend, therapist, best friend everything rolled into one ball of fluff. When I went off to college, my parents were put in charge of my little runt. They of course, fell in love with him as anyone who is mentally stable can do with a pet. When I moved back home, I noticed there was no way I could take Pup with me. He has attention 24/7, he has people around him 24/7 he has a yard that is too big for his small feet, there's no way I can take him away from his comfort zone. Sure he can get use to a new environment, but with how old he is and how he's never had to readjust his life, I see no point in moving him from where he is now.

That's why I went online and did what I do every so often. I looked up pets up for adoption at shelters. Some cuties this city has to offer, but as I was looking, and looked in the pet store with my dad for fish stuff, I noticed one thing, pets are expensive! I wanted an oscar fish, about $12, but then I need a tank, food, and clean it ever so often. Didn't sound like my cup of tea. I love turtles, I flip them over and put them in the grass if I see them in the middle of the street, they were about $20 alone!

A dog is well more expensive than those pets you just look at! There's toys, and grooming, and treats, and more than anything, time. My best friend leaves his poor pup locked up half the time with a bark collar on. When I get my full time next year I won't have the time to care for this animal properly, which tells me I don't need to adopt anytime soon. Not a dog, not a human, wonder if there's any boyfriends in need of adoption...

Bark Bark,

Megan

Hit me baby one more time!

So I went to the grocery as I do basically every other day now and I went down the oil aisle, there was a sale of red palm oil, never heard of it and I'm always up for a new oil in my body or on my hair. 

Here I am walking down aisle 7 and this guy who is about to leave says hi to me, in return I say it back to him. He asks me how I'm doing and I say fine, ask him the same. He says something but due to being from a loud talking family, I ask him what and move closer.

He said I was really pretty and wanted to say hi. Asked where I was from and I told him. He told me he was from Wisconsin and he likes to tell people he's out of state because he notices how men treat women out here. That's when I knew he was going to ask for my number.

I have something known in the sexist community as "bitch face". See diagram below for a funny explanation. At first I thought this guy was just saying hello to me because of my face. I have had countless people over the years tell me to "smile" or "it can't be that bad" or anything to try and make me smile for some creepy reason. I was dressed in an Ariel shirt, too big tennis shoes, and was wearing my glasses. Clearly I thought this guy was just being nice in order to put a smile on my face (and in all honesty he did. Guys rarely hit on me and the last time I was kissed was by this not so bright guy on January 1, 2016, before that was... 5? years ago?).

Back to the story. He asked me if I was out here for school (not so much a college town more than I live near the college), I told him gosh now I've graduated already. Then he asked what brought me to the city, I told him it was I needed a fresh start, asked him the same. Then he said I've noticed a lot of women out here are either married or have 2 or 3 boyfriends. That's when I lied and said "I only have one." But technically it isn't one. My quasi-best friend is male, but if we're playing off that then it's unfair to say I have just one boy friend. Anyways, I told him I only have one. Then he said as long as you're happy that's what matters, and thanked for saying hi. 

He was nice, and I am 100% honest, if he were younger I would have totally given him my number. He has blue-green eyes, tanned skin and was very handsome. He just looked like he was in his mid-40s and I'm in my 20s. Now writing this out I feel pretty bad, he was attractive, I could have at least had an older hotish male friend.

Aye Mr. Sexy Man,

Megan

No combustion, man.

Avatar joke, did you get it?

So yesterday, I ended up making both, then went to a friend's birthday get together. Excuse the fish, I took this picture this morning when it had sat in the fridge a day. I meant to take a pic last night, but Buddy came over and whenever he does that, nothing good is to come out of it. We had a Shenanigan Saturday.

Now all I need to do is burn a candle and I'll be (not as) scared again!

Yummy yummy in my tummy,

Megan

If anything happens...

So about a week ago (week ago- Bobby Shmurda) I cleaned my oven. Due to the fire that happened not too long after I moved in, I was terrified to do this. That, and the smell made my eyes water. Being the "responsible" "adult" that I am, I clearly did not leave this oven alone to clean it's self. But come on oven makers, this has been a function for YEARS, can we come up with a more pleasant smell? My parents don't even clean their oven with the setting because 1) of the smell 2) once an extremely small fire started while the function was on. It put itself out but that was terrifying.

Anyways, I turned the oven clean off about mid way because I could no longer take the smell. It gave me a headache and it made my eyes do that watering thing I hate, I think they're called tears and you cry when it happens, I don't know. So after a while, and after the oven COOLED down (everyone has been asking me this when I tell this story) I tried to open my oven and it would not budge. That damn latch said Ha! You're not going to make me do a pain tasking job, stop me then think you're going to open me. I put in a work order and when I was at work, the maintenance man came. He too could not get it to open.

That following Sunday was Mother's Day and my cousin was graduating (PhD in the house!) later in the week Friday, so I packed my car and headed home... or the place I grew up. There was an order with a GE specialist a day I was gone. They replaced the latch and now my oven worked! In fact, it took them a WEEK to replace the latch (reason #293 I'm not renewing my lease the fridge sounding like it was going to give out was #184). I was just happy I was not here that week because what would I have eaten? Sure I have a Crockpot I love and could have made microwave meals or something on the stovetop, even eaten out but still. Plus, that's not what this blog is about.

When I get home about a week and a day later, I come home to an underlining fresh smell and an overpowering smell of the oven. Now am I dizzy or do I get a headache? No, but it still smells like fumes. The main reason I cleaned my oven the day before I left was so that the smell could air out. I open my door and window so that it could all air out. Two days later, still smell it, three days later, still smell it. When I came in yesterday I got a small hint of it. I don't know if it's finally starting to fade away or, if like my smelly roommate in college, I'm just getting use to the smell.

Going back to the original reason of this post, I am about to use the oven. I haven't decided if I'm going to make melt away cookies, or bake some fish. Since I've been smelling the smell, I've been scared to even use the stovetop in fear if there are actual fumes, then something can combust. When that fire started and I had no clue what to do I thought, great, I'm that person who accidentally sets the apartment building on fire by doing something stupid (smoking and going to sleep, not watching a candle, grilling cheese). I haven't even lit a beloved candle since I got back in fear of the same reason. I did burn oil with my electric oil burner, but the smell of the oven over powered it.

Gosh how I hope this isn't foreshadowing,

Megan

May 2

Apparently May 2 has been a good day for me. Today was a good day😏, and when I went to Facebook to look at "On this Day" apparently it had been good around 2 other times. So now, I love May 2.

In 2010:
I found Mansions on the Moon (She Makes Me Feel), and instead of writing a research paper about King Lear, I decided to listen to that song 100+ times over and over again never getting tired. To this day that song brings a smile to my face remembering how I felt when I first heard it and how I did not write my paper.

I also really liked some Simpsons episode. I looked it up and the title is The Surveil with Love. It's the day the did Tic Toc by Ke$ha instead of their normal intro and apparently (according to my Facebook post) Maggie spoke. Which is not the first time in the series.

Year 2009:
The Sims 3 was coming out in 1 month exactly. While Sims 3 was not my favorite (Sims 2 was and so far will forever be) the excitement leading up to that will never be forgotten. I got addicted to The Sims franchise through my brother when I was around 11 with The Sims 1 known back then as simply The Sims. That game can still get me going, I love it, and while I think they can approve The Sims 4 greatly and tired of waiting for good expansion packs, by Sims 23 I'll still play and love no matter if I have time or not.

Then there are the okay time.

Such as 2013:
It was the day if my organization's banquet. We had "theme" nights. I always dressed up, in fact, I would purposely work those nights just to dress up. I did it enough to win the award I was hoping for (Most Likely to Dress Up on Theme Night) put that on a resumé! And I did.

Now 2016:
Although I had a flat, and I paid $100 to get a lifetime warranty on my tires, I paid nothing for my flat to be fixed and I got SO MUCH done! Things I have been putting off and stalling was finally completed. Yeah, I did that shit. 😎

Not to be hopeful (did I mention I was pessimistic?) but I am hoping that 2017 will be even more fantastic than the past years. Maybe I'll get married (I have 365 days to fall in love with somebody), or that'll be the day I meet my husband. Maybe I'll get a job, or enroll in a Master's program and graduate. Maybe I'll adopt a dog, or finally buy a house so me and the dog will have a forever home. Either way, I'm expecting something pretty epic. Why? I fucking own May 2 and no one can tell me otherwise.

✌🏿,

Meggo

Eloise

When I was in elementary school there was nothing I wanted more than to live in an apartment. As a kid, I thought living in an apartment would have been like living in a hotel. I wanted to be Eloise. I wanted to have a beautiful plush bed, have a door hop, ride elevators to my home etc. What I got was a neighborhood in the 'burbs with rows and rows of houses that were cookie cutter like mine, a huge backyard and a playground that I could walk to and visit all my friends.

The older I got, the more thankful I became. By high school I saw how my cousins who lived in apartments or were renting homes moved every so often and each summer when I came to visit them had a new dwelling. Again, in elementary school this seemed so fabulous. Moving, having a new space, a new room. As I said, in high school I appreciated the consistency. I moved, as a kid, a total of 2 times, only one I can remember. My family moved when I was 3 then again when I was 11. At 11 I loved packing up my room, selling and donating certain items, placing boxes in my new space. I could have done this forever! College came and I enjoyed moving my items from boxes and tubs just so I can get away from my parents and enjoy college life. Pretty soon packing up my dorm became second nature and I did not mind.

Then, I moved cities. Where I am now. I hated packing the littles things, the big things, the heavy things, the things I should not have bought. I hated unpacking the, I thought I left these at home, the this will be useless but let me find a place, the oh gosh I thought I lost this. What I loved however, was my apartment. My own space that was all Me(gan). This was not just concentrated to some room or a bathroom, oh no, this whole place was MINE!

After apartment living for one month, I have come to one conclusion: I hate it. Absolutely loath it. Abhor to the lowest shore. When I first moved in I said I did not want to stay longer than my contract was up. Hopefully through the grace of God I will have a full-time job where I could save up enough money to put a downpayment on a house. This city is VERY teacher friendly. I have a friend who pays for his mortgage what I pay in rent. His house, although not a Hampton home, is still very nice and a starter home that he can raise his family, or sale if he wants to upgrade for a decent price.

I am living in one of the richest men in my city's apartment complex. In my area there are 5 apartment buildings all owned by him. He is in the top 5 of the richest men in this city. He owns car dealerships, all which are walking distance from my building. He clearly likes to keep his money in one concentrated area. More than that, he likes to pinch pennies wherever he can.

Maybe it's where I'm at, put this complex should be ashamed of itself. When I first moved in I believed I hit in my blog some of the basic problems with this place. Mismatched paint, holes, lack of plaster. Upon closer inspection and living here for a month I noticed how hard my doors are to hard open, holes and scratches I did not and could not make. The bathtub is cracking in a new fucking apartment. The doors are what piss me off the most. I bought a garage and right now I cannot get into it. I had a job today but luckily I was sick yesterday and cancelled. When I went downstairs to get into my garage the door was STUCK. Even as you read at the time of this post, I have not been able to open the door. I can feel the lock unlocking and locking but for some reason I cannot get into the area. I put in a work order immediately and marked it as an emergency. Hopefully they will have it fixed by 5:00 today or tomorrow for sure.

All I can think about right now is what if it was an actual emergency and not me just wanting to get my eyebrows done? What if I had to get my mother from the airport or drop my cousin off for a flight? It would have been missed if dependent on me. What if I had to pick my child up from school? How would I have been capable of getting them? If I needed to rush myself or someone else to the hospital? How can I get to my car to get there? Sure all of these hypothetical situations can "easily" be fixed with Uber or ambulance but it shouldn't be. I didn't buy a car so it can be sequestered in some garage I pay monthly for. I didn't buy this garage so I can use it as storage to never use my car. I bought my car so I can get to and from where I need to be in a timely fashion and have it for emergencies. I bought the garage so I will not have to pay to get my car washed every so often, prevent it from rusting and even add an extra safety feature to my life by not having to search for a parking spot at night. Sure there are currently 5-6 people in my building right now and it's easy to find parking, however when this place fills up, and it will fast, there will not be too many options.

The garage has been my last straw and I have come to the conclusion that I will not renew my lease here when time comes. It's sad. I love the look of the apartment. I love the area. What I cannot stand is how maintenance will not fix problems. I do not like how limited the parking is when I was told there's "two spots for every one person." I am not a fan of being told I will have free cable when that was a lie. I do not like how I was told I'll be living next to a dog park when the dog park is five buildings down and there is nothing but mud in my view. I dislike how uninformed the employer was about the floor and how its new technology will prevent me from hearing the person above me. I do not like all the simple problems that could have been fixed upon move in or taken special care with to prevent them in the first place. Apparently I am paying for a non opt-out bug fee when I saw three bugs in my place so far and even more on the porch. Sure, it's impossible to keep insects from running around outside but can I at least have them not in my home? I never see anyone spray for that either. Granted, I have only been here for a month and I am not always outside but still. I can go on and on about the problems of this place but I do not have enough time and the Internet does not have enough space.

Fix It Felix,

Megan

We didn't start the fire... oh wait.. I did...

Literally just a few minutes ago on my electric stove, I just caused a fire. My mother got me this pan to make sandwiches. After craving a really good grilled cheese like I have for the past few days, I buckled down and in my pajamas at 12:30 in the afternoon decided to make some. With some Kraft "cheese" of course.

I had my plan all scoped out. I'd put a little butter in this pan, put the sandwich onto the pan, smash it down get dressed, then dive into the greatness of grilled "cheese". I threw the butter in the pan thinking hell yeah, this'll be good. Watched a little Total Divas and went back to the stove. As I lifted the pan debating on putting more buttery goodness into the pan I see smoke, a BUNCH of smoke so I look for the vent button, I find it. More smoke in the seconds I look up to find the vent. I'm going to remove this from the heat I think. Small fire, fire alarm. Oh shit I ramble in my head. Fire, water two opposing elements, this makes sense. Pour water from sink into, sink blows back like fuck you! Oh shit I think, where do I put this now? The bathtub? The toilet? Do I bring this shit outside? Luckily the fire stopped. Looking back down baking soda may have worked but looking back also I can only than God that my paper towels catch fire to make this even worse. I am so thankful for God that I learned this crazy lesson and nothing happened.

I am also very happy that no one from the apartment complex came up to check on me lol. I have unplugged every Wallflower and closed every candle. I was scared as hell and hope that never happens again. I'm scared to use to stove, I'm scared to use the oven, I'm scared to use to microwave. I don't want to use butter ever again or leave my house just incase another fire starts. Thank God is ALL I can say.

Thank God,

Megan

To Do: Buy a longer broom

It has happened, I finally have upstairs neighbors and it only took about a week. Finally I can complain about the people above me stomping and sounding like they are having a jumping parade. River dancing much?

Last night when I had my head in the trashcan (oh yeah I was sick, fell asleep at the toilet) I thought I heard people moving in and a dog barking. No, I say, this empty building could not be inhabited by humans and it's just my sick nerves that is imagining all of this. Well apparently not.

When I moved into this building there was NO ONE in it. I had the choice of any room I wanted. I knew I did not want first floor because of all the first floor terror stories, and with there being no elevator, I thought of lugging items up to the very top floor, which is how I decided on the one I am in.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. In college I was on the 4th floor (and had an elevator) and never had to worry about people above me. I should have done like college Megan. Right now, it sounds like the person may be wearing heels and strutting around the place getting dressed. Oh joy, even less parking places, and even more noise. This is going to be GREAT when I get my migraines during my period and even the sound of an opening and closing door can cause me to vomit.

Why oh why did I not pick the top floor? Would an extra flight of stairs really be that much of an issue? So far I think I'm just excited to complain about the people upstairs because honestly, the heel walking is not a bad thing. I mean I walk hard as hell and feel so sorry for the poor sap who will hear my stilt walking all hours of the night. I am a night owl and instead of flying, I gallop all throughout my place. Not an issue before, but now, haha I need to be more conscious of my walking I guess.

Stop it out!

Megan

Day 4

I forgot all about this "blog" as I usually do and as I will do maybe after this post. I've always loved writing and in middle school and high school it was something I had done almost daily. In college I did it a few times but it wasn't for anything to life altering or special. So here I am, post grad, hoping to get back into my mind freeing, relaxing past time.

Since I did forget to write I assume I can sum the past four days in one, starting off long, then ending short blog. Here goes nothing.

Day 1- Moving on Up- South Central
The arrival of this city almost seemed impossible. The plan the night before was to leave about 7 or 8 but in reality it turned out to be after 1, around 2 perhaps. After getting everything situation at home... where I grew up? What the hell do you call the place you lived for 15 years? We were off on the road. My mother and pup in my car, dad in his. Magically my mother and I did not argue and were not mad at each other for the 3 hour drive. Lord knows that happens often. She's quite emotional and we both have strong personalities. I almost arrived to sign my lease when the place was closing but no worries- I got there! I got the keys to my place, showed the light bill switch and lied and said I'd bring my renter's insurance which I did not have.

It only took about an hour to move everything upstairs. At first, I loved it. The wood floors were beautiful, granted countertop sexy, smell amazing new, better than new car smell, knowing I had my own place liberating. Then I started to unpack and noticed a lot of stuff that needed to be fixed. A dent in the door knob, a drawer that was over screwed, paint missing in places. I can go on but I'll sum it up by saying it all got fixed relatively fast.

'Rents and I went to Walmart to just get it over with since we had to get basic stuff anyway. I wanted organic eco friendly cleaning products but that failed big time.

After that, the family and I blew up an air mattress and the three of us with the dog slept in my bedroom. The pup and me on the floor and the 'rents on the bed. The first night was freezing with the air off but luckily the res were comfortable.

Day 2- TV Me
Woke up quite early- especially for me. I got on the phone, got renter's insurance, and internet. Internet was due to be delivered Wednesday with furniture. At this time Pops is putting together the tedious Ikea furniture because why not? I mean small pieces, wordless instructions and a headache never hurt anyone. Although not handy, I would have preferred to build that dresser instead of the plethora of dishes I washed. My hands still smell like dish soap two days later and I swear I have a hint of latex gloves somewhere in there.

Momma and me went to a few stores to get things in bulk and Pops stayed at home with Pup. The most important thing can easily be the television I got for my living room. I have not bought a new TV since 2009 and it was like a 24 inch for my dorm room. Smart TVs are the most amazing inventions known to man. Who needs vaccines and modern medicine when you can watch Netflix, and listen to Spotify on one device. Makes me regret buying that damn Apple TV a few weeks ago.

Day 3- Yesterday
I finally hung out with my best friend. He lives out here and a good chunk as to why I applied to jobs out here and decided to move and leave the nest. We went to a place he took me when I went to spend New Years here. I think I'll try to make it our place at least once a month. We can dish, talk shit, and just catch up. He works full time and I plan on meeting other people as to not smother one another. The hardest part is finding friends.

Furniture was delivered at 9 and Internet came at 1 an HOUR after he promised coming. As a girl (and her dad) who loves TV and had not watched it in three days, it took too long! Furniture was set up so quickly that it put my father's two-day Ikea building to shame.

Best Buddy came over and saw the place, he loved it. Said that it looked like I have lived here for a while instead of just moving in three days ago. He asked me to decorate his place but I informed him that I just bought little odds and ends as I saw them. He did not care and still asked me to do so. We went to the grocery store and I forgot how to shop! While I did this for years in college at odd hours, I could not remember what to get and spices? Shit I could have just called it quits with trying to figure it out. Buddy tried to give me a hug when this happened and I pushed him away. I love that guy. I've known him ten years and I swear every day, especially the days spent with him, seem so much better with each passing hour.

Day 4- Meeting New Neighbor √ Fining out New Neighbor is Hot √+
Today sadly Pops left. I really do love my dad but I always feel guilty because I am not nearly as close to him as I am my mom. I know he loves me and I love him but we don't hang out as much as we could. I made a pledge to call him once a week while I am here though to build a stronger relationship. Along with his TV that my mother purchased on sale, he toted my dog with him back home... where I grew up?

Momma and I made a bunch of returns to various stores and hung pictures. That process was so long in the beginning with too much math. After 8 hang ups, it got easy and I was over it.

While doing returns I had to get my key remade at Home Depot. The second key still didn't work and now I'm pissed that I have to go back again to get another key. Third times a charm? Anyway, I got a plant for my neighbor who lives on my floor. I wanted to get aloe vera, it's an a wonderful plant. Aloe vera is good for cuts, burns, and quite tasty too. Momma said I should just get a cactus instead since it's much easier and already had a pot for the price of the aloe vera, plus, no repotting.

I bring up the stuff I bought and when finished putting them away I bring it down to Ethan (that's not his real name but that's what I had been calling him all week and he looks more of an Ethan than his real name). He answers the door, shirtless, with these beautiful eyes staring at me like who the hell are you. With a cheesy smile I try to not be my socially awkward self and have a very disappointing short conversation with him.

Now the new task for me is to try and get close to Ethan. Even if as a friend. I mean boy is beautiful. And he has a 6 pack. Faint.

'Till next year!
Megan